The Power of Words
Words. They hold tremendous power – and the effects can last a lifetime. Whether spoken. Thought. Written. Typed. Texted.
How do kids learn this? Well, usually we try to “teach” through consequences, right!? Say mean things to a sibling or to parents and kids lose privileges. Get grounded.
But did they really learn anything about the power of words this way?
“I hate you soooo much! You always get me in trouble with your crying and tattling! God! I JUST HATE YOU!”
Ugh…I was sitting on my balcony when the neighbor kids were letting their dogs out. The 10-11 year old boy screamed that at his 6-7 year old sister. I watched his body language. I watched hers. And I wondered where all of that anger came from…and the impact that will have on both of them as they moved on with their day. Weekend. Life. Their relationship.
Yes, I’m sure we can recall saying words to siblings out of anger. And we can probably recall, even more vividly, hearing those types of words from a sibling.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” I say:
BOLOGNA!
WRONG!
ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE!
Does our intention matter? Yes! And no. If our intent is to hurt, I believe it can have a bigger impact. But even when said “in fun” or “to be funny” ~ the impact can last. And I’ve seen it with so many kids that it often does.
An example that comes to mind happened to me in my 30s! I was playing a game with my brother, sister-in-law and partner. My brother and I were partners and I felt a lot of pressure to do well because usually he and I weren’t together. I also really wanted to impress him (still!). I made an apparently not-so-good move. He started razzing me and we all laughed about it.
Until he said “I’d rather have a monkey for a partner – they’d probably do better.
Dumber than a monkey.”
Years later, I remember his words. I remember the game (Hand & Foot). Where we were playing (Virginia). Were his words particularly mean? No, not really. But I didn’t want to disappoint him. And I also didn’t have great self esteem. I didn’t want to be dumber than a monkey. Why couldn’t I just get the gist of this game? (Yes, competition plays a part in this…that’s a whole other topic!)
Do you remember a time your sibling said something mean to you?
Do you remember the details of it?
My guess is ~ you do…
In today’s world, I believe more than ever kids need home to be a safe place. I was talking to siblings in my office about how they spoke to one another. When I asked about rules in their house, they rambled off a few. When I asked which rules really mattered or that they listened to, only no locking doors was one they followed. When I asked why, they quickly agreed because it was about safety and mom was serious about it.
Now I know these kids’ parents were serious about more than one rule. But somehow this one stuck. Hitting – happened all the time. Swearing – all the time. Mean words – consistently. Locking a door – never happened.
I believe there are a few factors. The main one is our energy in talking with kids about the rules. When we are “serious” ~ kids feel that. Another reason is consistency in following through on the rules. Buy-in is a big reason rules work or not. Understanding WHY is a key for success. (I encourage kids to ask why — that isn’t disrespectful when said in appropriate ways!) And I assure you, “Because I said so!” or “Because I’m the mom/dad or adult/teacher” aren’t great helpers in getting rules followed. These statements may invoke FEAR and that is a tactic many people use…but it doesn’t empower kids to make choices that feel good to them or understand the purpose behind rules!
I often talk with kids ~ especially middle and high schoolers ~ if they would talk to their teacher like they do siblings or mom or dad? Or if they would say those things to the principal? An aunt? Uncle? Grandparent? Me? We then dive into why they wouldn’t. This allows kids time to reflect on their reasons and recognize how inconsistent and illogical it is to use mean words with people they love. Reasons I’ve heard:
“We just do it all the time.”
“It’s what brothers and sisters do.”
“I’m just playing.”
“I don’t really even mean it.”
“He does it to me first.”
Then we go through the list and see if these reasons justify saying it. Easily kids recognize it doesn’t.
Saying mean words is like spreading toothpaste on a toothbrush. Like squirting ketchup on your fries. Squeezing sunscreen on your legs or spraying it on your arms. Pretty easy to do, right? But have you ever tried to get the ketchup back in the bottle? Toothpaste back in the tube? Sunscreen back in the can or bottle? It’s just like words. Once they are out, can’t get them back in very easily, if at all.
But unfortunately words have effects that can last a lifetime.
Sure, I’ve forgiven my brother! I’ve moved on! But when I made mistakes, for years, I’d hear myself repeat those words, “You’re dumber than a monkey, Betsy!” Thankfully I’ve worked on healing (especially energetically!!) this and other words that stuck with me. I’ve learned the effects of hanging on to them. The impact even saying them to myself, in my head, has had on me. (Being highly sensitive intensifies the effects of words I believe. That, too, is another topic!!)
I believe it is important for parents to talk to kids about the power of words! Share personal stories ~it is so powerful! I also think we need to have zero tolerance at home for name calling. Even when it’s “just for fun”! Words said at the expense of another aren’t funny. (Please don’t make excuses and tell kids to “take a joke” — words hurt!) Model what you expect from kids. If you don’t want them to call each other names or say mean words, don’t call your spouse or friends something “just for fun” or say “I didn’t really mean it – I was just kidding!” Kids watch…and they do what they see.
Understand that the way we talk to others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. And if we say mean things to others, often, this is how we talk to ourselves. Hurt people hurt people. I can’t stress that enough. So if name calling and saying hurtful things is common in your house ~ take some time to reflect on how members of your family are feeling about themselves…
I believe more powerful than losing a phone, being grounded, or soap in the mouth (people don’t still do this do they?) is building one’s self esteem and confidence! When we do this, we have less reason or need to knock down another — with words or with hitting. We build the muscle of looking inward at what we are feeling, instead of making others responsible for how we feel. We are more open to empathy and compassion. And we realize that love for ourselves and others is much easier and feels better than conflict, anger, fear or sarcasm.
Choose your words carefully! It matters!